With Disney rebooting nearly all of its beloved ’90s animated classics and even lesser-known movies like the thriller “Fear” getting remade, we have to wonder, what’s next?
Here, in no particular order, are some of the sacred movies we’re telling producers: “Hands off!” (We’re working under the assumption that no one would attempt to remake a Scorsese, Tarantino, Spike Lee or Coen Bros. movie. One day, we might be wrong.)
1. “Speed” (1994)
25 years later, we still love the chemistry between Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. (There’s a reason for that.) And given the famously awful sequel (sans Keanu), we can only imagine how terrible a remake would be. Remember how that “Point Break” remake worked out? Yeah, that’s how you get a Sad Keanu.
2. “10 Things I Hate About You” (1999)
The more we watch this movie, the more we love this cast. From a dancing-and-singing Heath Ledger, to a badass Julia Stiles, to baby-faced Joseph Gordon-Levitt, to porn-writing guidance counselor Allison Janney, who could fill those shoes? A short-lived TV series (starring Ethan Peck as Patrick Verona!) is proof this was best left alone.
3. “Clueless” (1995)
As if someone could attempt to make a high school movie as perfect. One that we still quote on a regular basis. Reminder: “It does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty.” (Sure, several of the cast returned for the TV series, but it just wasn’t the same without Alicia Silverstone as Cher.)
4. “Fight Club” (1999)
On of the lesser-known “Fight Club” rules is YOU DO NOT REMAKE FIGHT CLUB. (Or “Seven,” for that matter.)
5. “The Shawshank Redemption” (1994)
Imagine an amused Morgan Freeman slowly shaking his head and telling you (from a much later movie): “Good luck with that.”
6. “Heat” (1995)
Trying to top Robert De Niro, and Al Pacino, that breathtaking daylight bank robbery scene and Dante Spinotti’s cinematography? To quote Pacino’s cranky cop character, Vincent Hanna, “Don’t waste my ****ing time.” Arguably Michael Mann‘s best film.
7. “The Last of the Mohicans” (1992)
Another Michael Mann masterpiece that wasn’t properly recognized at the time (it received just one Oscar nomination, for Best Sound, which it won). We’re here for the sweeping action scenes, the swoon-worthy “I will find you!” Daniel Day Lewis and Madeleine Stowe romance, and that stunning final sequence. If it came out today, surely Mann, Day-Lewis, Stowe, Spinotti and Wes Studi would all get Oscar noms.
8. “Tombstone” (1993)
Sure, “Unforgiven” won the Best Picture Oscar the year before, but this is the ’90s western we love to watch over and over. Other actors have played Doc Holliday in different movies, but Val Kilmer will always be (you knew this was coming) our huckleberry.
9. “The Matrix” (1999)
There has been talk of a remake … except it’s more of a sequel. Or a reboot? And may or may not star Michael B. Jordan. And while we’re sure Killmonger would kill it, it would be damn hard to follow Keanu’s Neo. The existing sequels have their fans, but nothing can touch the mind-blowing impact of the first film and its revolutionary special effects.
10. “Léon: The Professional” (1994)
No, sir, we do not want a remake of this gonzo Luc Besson action film. (We pity the person having to one-up Gary Oldman‘s crazed, Beethoven-loving corrupt cop.) But we will take a sequel with a grown-up Natalie Portman as a cleaner. Please and thank you.
11. “The Silence of the Lambs” (1991)
Even with Anthony Hopkins back on board, subsequent films about Hannibal Lecter, including “Hannibal” and “Red Dragon,” completely failed to match this Oscar-sweeping horror classic. (Jodie Foster notably refused to reprise her role as Clarice Starling in “Hannibal.”) We do, however, recommend Michael Mann’s “Manhunter,” a previous telling of “Red Dragon” with Brian Cox as a far more low-key cannibal.
12. “The Usual Suspects” (1995)
This twisty crime drama remains one of the ’90s most perfect movies. (Despite the now-toxic duo of director Bryan Singer and Oscar winner Kevin Spacey.)
13. “Face/Off” (1997)
In John Woo‘s gloriously over-the-top action flick, John Travolta and Nicolas Cage swap faces and lives — and get a change to send up each other’s acting tics. It’s a nutso concept that both actors commit to fully and we couldn’t love them more for it.
14. “Thelma & Louise” (1991)
A remake with “Fast and the Furious” badass Michelle Rodriguez and Cara Delevingne was (very sketchily) rumored around 2014, but never happened. Plus, with her driving skills (and a more than a decade of crazy “Furious” stunts) Letty Ortiz might just that get Thunderbird all the way over the Grand Canyon. We’ll just enjoy the original and its “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” ending.
15. “A League of Their Own” (1992)
We all know there’s no crying in baseball and there’s no matching this stellar line-up. And would you disrespect Penny Marshall‘s memory like that?
16. “My Cousin Vinny” (1992)
The odds of a remake of this comedy classic being good are about as likely as two sets of “youts” driving nearly identical metallic, mint-green cars and stopping at the Sac-O-Suds convenience store.
17. “True Romance” (1993)
It’s not just the two leads who make this pulp movie work, it’s that fantastic supporting cast: a pre-“Sopranos” James Gandolfini, Gary Oldman, Brad Pitt, Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper. Tarantino wrote it and Tony Scott directed it and that’s a combo you’re never going to get again.
18. “The Wedding Singer” (1998)
We know this much is true: A redo of our favorite Adam Sandler/Drew Barrymore romantic comedy would make Robbie Hart cry (and possibly upset Billy Idol). And it already inspired a Broadway musical, so I think we’re good here.
19. “Galaxy Quest” (1999)
A planned sequel to this hilarious space spoof, alas, died with Alan Rickman. By Grabthar’s Hammer, we would not suffer a remake. Now let’s get out of here before one of those things kills Guy!
20. “The Rock” (1996)
Thanks to the brilliant match-up of Nicolas Cage (as a nerdy chemical “superfreak”) and Sean Connery (as an unjustly imprisoned spy), this remains the best Michael Bay movie ever. This action film about retaking Alcatraz from mercenaries is insanely entertaining and eminently rewatchable. With these two riffing off each other between the 360-degree hero shots, we couldn’t love it more.
21. “Misery” (1990)
We’re getting a “Misery”-themed second season of “Castle Rock,” and that’s all the remake we’ll ever need. Annie Wilkes would’t be happy with a remake, would she?
22. “Groundhog Day” (1993)
Bill Murray himself approved of the 2016 stage musical, but when it comes to a cinematic redo of this time-loop comedy? No thank you. We will just appreciate the homage in movies like “Happy Death Day” and “Edge of Tomorrow” that take their cue from this classic.
23. “Mrs. Doubtfire” (1993)
A stage musical is in the works, but a movie remake without Robin Williams would be more dreadful than a drive-by fruiting.
